Real love has a cost we must pay

One of the reasons that the issue of work-life balance is so slippery is that individuals can never be relieved of the full personal cost of caring for those closest to them.

This week, the Sex Discrimination Commissioner, Elizabeth Broderick, released her plan of action towards gender equality, based on findings from a listening tour of Australia. At a high level, all elements of the Commissioner's action plan are commendable. However, in the area of family-friendly work practices, Ms Broderick has commented that she wants to alter the Sex Discrimination Act to penalise employers who exercise "indirect discrimination" by refusing to promote fathers who opt to spend more time with their families.

This is consistent with her comment, "If there is one thing I could do to promote gender equality in this country, it would be to better share paid and unpaid work between men and women".

But here, things start to get complicated. Of course it is crucial that men and women are offered equal opportunity to participate in the workforce and encouraged to be active in their roles as fathers and mothers. However, establishing equal participation rates in the workplace and at home as targets of government policy will not solve the endemic breakdown of family relationships.

Rather than directly trying to achieve specific work-life outcomes, policy must work to support the quality of underlying relationships and help provide choices that permit parents to spend time together and with their children. Flexible work practices and paid maternity leave, as recommended by Ms Broderick, are good examples.

At the same time, legitimate business interests need to be protected. Employers must be able to reward and promote those who make the greatest contribution. Some of us will make outstanding senior corporate executives. Others will make great parents. Some highly gifted time-managers may succeed at both. And there are interesting questions about whether care skills and business skills are equally spread across genders.

But the key to solving the work-life conundrum will be in elevating the value of caregiving. Influencers of public opinion, including governments and the media, have roles to play in recognising and vigorously promoting the position that caring for those we love is among the highest of all callings.

This week, a Nielsen poll reported that 68 per cent of Australians are prepared to pay more for goods and services if costs increase as a result of the Government's proposed greenhouse gas emissions trading scheme. Similarly, we need to understand the way that our individual actions and public policies support or undermine family relationships.

Just as we, as a society, will bear the financial burden of a carbon trading scheme, we must be prepared to accept the costs associated with helping families to thrive.

Increasing government expenditure to address relational dysfunction is no solution. Simply providing more homes won't solve youth homelessness. Providing more healthy food alternatives will not remove our obesity epidemic. Longer hours of outsourced childcare will not build parents' relationships with their children nor repair families in crisis.

An important step in increasing the visibility of caregiving is for the Federal Government to measure key outcomes. These include an estimation of the value of time spent in primary caregiving and a calculation of the cost to society of damaged and broken relationships. To take just one example, besides the extraordinary emotional and psychological toll of marital separation, the need for two homes instead of one increases the demand for housing, leading to higher house prices and more carbon emissions.

Only when the full cost is counted will it be possible to acknowledge and provide for the complex array of trade-offs in the formulation of appropriate policy.

Even then, just as primary caregiving involves personal sacrifice, we must all come to recognise that our shared future depends on us being prepared to provide for all members of our community to have shared time with those closest to them. Like those who dedicate their lives to the care of others, we may well discover deeper meaning in our life together.

Paul Shepanski is the executive director of Relationships Forum Australia. www.relationshipsforum.org.au